When was the last time you met somebody who was more knowledgeable, intelligent, or articulate than you felt? Over the weekend, I met a new business associate. Professionally, we had so much in common, I was really impressed by her. Then, when this woman opened her mouth, everyone else in the room listened in awe.
It reminded me of when I was a young girl learning tennis. I loved playing tennis with people who were better than me because it made my game that much better. And I think that is still true today. If you want to get better at something, hang out with and learn from people who know it better, have been doing it longer, who have established some expertise. This is not intimidating; it’s a gift.
How do we address this with our kids? If someone else plays a better game than they did, or won an award your kiddo was eligible for, do we shelter them and downplay the scenario by saying, “It’s ok, you did great!” It’s okay to acknowledge they did a good job and accept that the other person was or did better and name what your child can learn from the other person’s performance to improve their own.
Somewhere along the way we shifted our belief that our kids can’t handle hard and honest truths. My kids grew up when everyone got a prize or a trophy. I’m not here to debate this ideology: it may have had some pros, and it certainly had some cons. But since then, I feel like our kids aren’t resilient enough to lose. They’re not equipped to leave the arena empty handed. They can’t regulate the emotion around not being ‘as good’ as someone or something else.
This is “positive comparison-itis”. Let’s show our kids how to learn and grow. When people do things better, we should question how and why? Have they been doing it longer? Did they have different coaches or techniques? This is a moment to remain curious, not to focus on defeat.
I can’t wait to see my new business associate again. I even asked her if we could schedule one-on-one time to just talk and connect. In other words, how can I glean some additional expertise while we serve a common cause? There’s an elegant way to do this without making us or your kiddos feel “less than”. Instead, we/they can become inspired to do better, be better, perform better. Let’s remember, competence breeds confidence. If confidence is where we’re seeing our kids struggle, let’s start doing things that can enhance their confidence, starting with hard and honest truths.
Let’s continue to raise tomorrow together.
