Janet Krebs
This message goes out to all of you who have children who are quasi adults, like 18 to 25 range who are coming home for the holidays. They may be visiting from university, maybe a first job away from their home state or simply moved out but nearby. You are excited and doing everything you can to make the visit special.
I hate to burst your bubble, but I promise you; Norman Rockwell will not be coming as a guest. From experience I share some scenarios. You may find yourself in your bedroom or in the kitchen, shaking your head or rolling your eyes, thinking, “what the hell are they thinking?”
They come home, they hide in their rooms, they want to be everywhere with their friends, they keep asking to borrow the car, they keep asking for money. What is going on?
Newsflash peeps. This is what happens. So, you have a choice. Embrace this transition because that’s all it is. Trust me. It’s a transition.
They are one foot at home, one foot out the door if they’re at university. If they’ve moved and back home to visit and you’re imposing your home rules on them, expect a little bit of flack. They’ve been doing well enough on their own and they’ve come to visit. So, they’re trying to maintain their level of independence and who they are and who they have become while finding balance with who they were when they lived with you. All while maintaining respect. It can be tough for everyone.
So, you have a choice. You welcome their visit and do the very best to accommodate their wishes within reason. I mean, you’re not a doormat. No, they can’t come in at four in the morning if it’s really going to upset you or disrupt your sleep or get the dogs to bark or wake other people in the household. I mean, there’s consideration and respect, but can there be a compromise?
If you want them to come home can you compromise some house rules? Or are you going to be so rigid in the way things used to be that you make it impossible for them to enjoy the time while they’re at home? It’s really up to you. You can lament about the way things used to be. The battle cry of “We always used to have dinner. We always used to play games. We always used to…., fill in the blank”.
I am a fan of traditions and rituals. But I know when it’s time to move on and to create a new normal based on where everybody is currently. Don’t discourage them from coming home.
I mean, I nickname my son Pigpen from Peanuts. When he is here, I can see wherever he’s been throughout the house. Do I roll my eyes? Yes. Do I want to pick up a glass and say, “Ben, do you have to leave a glass in every room of the house?” Yeah, sometimes I do. Sometimes I just smile and know that I’m still going to miss him when he leaves. So, the choice is really yours.
So just something to think about. In the meantime, I hope your holiday season is off to a brilliant and peaceful start. Stay sane!
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Janet is a speaker, author, and parenting strategist. She helps parents adopt a leadership mindset and empowers them to cultivate confidence and self-reliance in themselves and their children.